Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

One of the most common questions I get from readers is: "How soon long should I
wait before having sex with someone new?" (Actually, truth be told, this
question comes primarily from women. With few exceptions, for most men the
answer to the question "How soon should you have sex?" is "How soon can I get
it?")



Obviously, the "right time" between two consenting adults varies with every
relationship. Some people think it's okay to sleep with someone on the first
date, others think nothing before marriage is acceptable. My own theory on the
right time to do it for the first time falls somewhere in between tramp-o-rama
and virgin nun.



If you're just looking for a wild night, and a serious relationship or pesky
moral dilemmas aren't in the picture, then by all means, let the shirt buttons
go flying. But, if what you're looking for is a long-term relationship, you
should wait to have sex until you're in an exclusive relationship and hold off
on doing the deed for at least a month.



No sex for the first month. Really.



Remember the old saying your mother, or grandmother used to repeat, "Why buy the
cow when you can get the milk for free?" Well, like it or not, in theory, it
still holds true today. Sure the sexual revolution has loosened things up a bit,
but as we all know, that old double standard still exists. Sure, you can either
sit there, mentally debating with me about why it's unfair or wrong, or you can
just smile and do what works. After all, what's a little delayed gratification
when we're talking about the man or woman of your dreams? Whip out the fur-lined
handcuffs and edible undies on your honeymoon, if you're so inclined. The third
date is not the time.

Okay, now try not to have a heart attack, it's really not that bad. Once you
start dating someone exclusively, one more month really isn't that long to wait.




Why wait a month? The answer may surprise you. It has nothing to do with any
moral issues, and it's not about playing hard to get. It's about chemistry.
Brain chemistry.



The Love Drug



When women have sex, a chemical called Oxytocin is released in our brains.
Scientists refer to it as the "Cuddle Hormone." Why? Because it causes the
affected person to get all sorts of mushy, googly, nesting romantic feelings. So
what happens if you have sex too soon? A guy you thought was just so-so
yesterday suddenly becomes Mr. Fabulous once you've had sex with him. Did he
stop ending jokes with "get it?", picking his nose or talking incessantly about
his mother/pet iguana/job at the post office? No. The difference is sex. Doped
up on Oxytocin, it's much more difficult to judge whether or not he's someone we
really want to be with through the haze of googly-moogly romantic emotion.



The one-month sex embargo is just an extra measure of certainty, to make sure
the guy is really someone you want to be involved with on that level of
intimacy. How long you wait is up to you, as long as you wait at least a month.
After the one-month mark, it will be abundantly clear to your man that you do
not take this sex thing lightly, and that someone would have to be pretty darn
special before you'd consider jumping into bed with him. And, you will have the
opportunity to make your decision using your brain while it is still functioning
properly.



Don't worry if you think your guy will leave if you don't have sex with him.
After interviewing hundreds of men on the subject, I can tell you that this
simply isn't a factor. If he can't wait until you're ready, he certainly won't
be hanging around long after the deed is done. By waiting, you are sending a
message to your guy that sex with you is something special, and he will have no
choice but to believe you are worth the wait.



Nag. Nag. Nag. Safety first.



I would be remiss if I didn't stress the importance of safe sex. Always, always,
always use a condom until you are both



1) in a long-term, monogamous relationship and also

2) have both been tested and are clean for STDs.



If it freaks you out to buy condoms at the local Kroger with your yogurt and
salad-by-the-pound, by all means order yourself a box from one of the many
online drugstores. They'll deliver right to your door, and even your postal
worker won't suspect a thing.





© 2004 by Lisa Daily. All rights reserved.



Lisa Daily is the author of Stop Getting Dumped!

All you need to know to make men fall madly in love

with you and marry "The One" in 3 years or less. At bookstores everywhere.

As seen in/on Cosmopolitan, The Other Half and Ricki Lake

Get our FREE Dating Tips newsletter - chock-full of

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Added:  Thursday, March 04, 2004
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